The 2005 Modell Awards

As night falls on yet another calendar, and a new year beckons with her come-hither pose, we at Scene like to count our blessings.

'Tis the postseason of Jesus, whose birth ushered in a spirit of peace and goodwill, until his followers decided that shooting each other and blowing stuff up would be way more fun. But it's the thought that counts.

Anyway, Jesus was big on watching out for the wretches. He looked like the bassist from a '70s metal band. People harshed on him too. So he urged us to care for the weak, the sick, the weird, and the incompetent. That's why every year around Christmas, we present our annual Art Modell Awards, a celebration of lowlifes.

In the past, we've honored such pillars of depravity as Butch Davis and Carmen Policy, Dennis Kucinich and FirstEnergy, Mike Trivisonno and George Forbes. Yet 2005 witnessed so much sordid behavior -- especially on the public-corruption front -- that to honor everyone would take a tome the size of the Manhattan phone book. And way too much typing.

Instead, we'd like to look ahead to the big names in corruption in 2006. Which dark horses will rise in the standings? What perennial powers will resort to bigamy and shoplifting just to remain on the leader board? Who, in short, will assume leadership of Ohio's headlong charge toward disaster?

It's what Jesus would want.

#1 Congressman Bob Ney
Only a few months ago, Ney appeared to be a generic downstate Republican, the kind with flame-retardant hair and a smile that seemed to say, "Do not trust me around young girls or household pets."

In previous years, Ney couldn't even break the Corruption Standings Top 50. His game was restricted to taking contributions from bankers in exchange for protecting predatory lenders. Though it was appreciated by his impoverished district, which enjoyed a good foreclosure as much as anyone, it was totally unoriginal. The entire state Senate was running similar scams. Let's show some imagination, people!

Then two Washington lobbyists pleaded guilty to corruption charges. They quickly ratted Ney out. He's now accused of accepting golf outings, vacations, luxury-suite fund-raisers, and other strange things congressmen covet -- you guys ever heard of cash? -- in exchange for helping southern Indian tribes with their casino problems.

As we all know, southern Indian tribes are Ohio's most pressing issue.

His impending indictment catapulted him to the No. 1 slot. If he can somehow figure a way to get midgets or male escorts into the court testimony, look for Ney to walk away with this year's title.

#2 Bishop Anthony Pilla
Overseeing the state's largest pedophilia ring was quite an achievement. Not even Ohio's top serial rapists could match Pilla's decades-long reign over the systematic abuse of children. But many believed the bishop to be a one-hit wonder; this was the only decent crime he had in his quiver.

Then Cleveland's Catholic diocese began quietly lobbying to block legislation that would allow victims to sue even if their cases were beyond the statute of limitations. It was an inside power move not seen since the heyday of the Genovese Family. Not only would Pilla be screwing his victims twice -- take that, ingrate parishioners! -- he'd also be teaching his flock a valuable lesson: "Atonement is good, but let's not get carried away, people" [Psalms 2:19].

Though he'll have to find another move to overtake Ney -- a money-laundering scheme would be nice, or perhaps a tasteful scandal over the St. Ed's Boys Choir -- for pure offense, nobody outplays the bishop.

#3 Attorney General Jim Petro
Petro has long been a dutiful son of the Republican Party, quietly trading state contracts for campaign contributions and patiently awaiting his turn to ruin the state as governor.

Yet 2005 was a breakout season for the attorney general. Not only did he turn a blind eye to the Noe coin scandal; he proved himself a five-tool player, exhibiting a dazzling mix of larceny, ineptitude, degeneracy, shamelessness, and false piety that became the envy of corrupt officials from here to New Jersey. His employee manual, Whoring the Jim Petro Way!, was a must-read at the statehouse. Immorality Today named him a first-team All-American.

Petro's shining moment came last month, when the affidavit of a Columbus lawyer was made public. The barrister claimed that when he tried to hit on Petro fund-raiser Amy Gravengaard at a bar, his overtures were summarily rejected. Ever the public servant, she tried instead to sell the guy state law contracts in exchange for campaign contributions. Gravengaard's pitch was so brazen, she might as well have printed menus with specials for seniors and kids under 12.

Petro crowned the year by running campaign commercials touting his Christianity. You gotta love anyone whose piousness is so inevident, he has to advertise it on TV.

Start digging the loose change from your couch, fellow citizens. If this guy becomes governor, 78 cents might be enough to buy your own $50 million fund investing in celebrity undergarments and vodka.