Sympathy for the Cons

Topic: Though people tend to believe that listing a prestigious penitentiary on your résumé provides automatic entry into most executive training programs, it's not true. As Sam discovers, being an ex-con is way hard.

Originality: 1/10. Since the concept was first written about somewhere around 1864 and has been covered approximately 4,728,947 times since then, you might say this baby is a bit stale.

Difficulty: 2/10. Though Sam is merely rewriting a recently released report, he did have to leave his house to attend a press conference. That's gotta count for something, doesn't it?

Sam Gets Poetic: "Sending people off to prison is like cutting off a phone conversation in mid-sentence." The analogy is particularly apt if one of the people on the telephone is being murdered by the guy on the other end of the line.

The Master Has Spoken: "But there is a different portrait beneath the numbers." Translation: The people who held the press conference brought a real live ex-con to answer reporters' questions.

What Sam Reveals About Sam: He believes you can judge a book by its cover. "Dressed in a navy suit with a crisp white shirt and patterned tie, [he] looked and sounded more like an aspiring politician than a man who had been released from prison nine months ago." Apparently, Sam thought all ex-cons wore prison stripes and giant metal balls chained to their ankles.

CliffsNotes Version: A Washington think tank recently released a report about ex-cons, which means I can paraphrase the stats, which should cover at least half the column. Then I met a real live ex-con at the press conference. I don't know if I'd invite him to my poker party, but he certainly didn't dress like a drug-addicted thief (though I do have some quibbles with his tailor). Hey, these ex-cons aren't so bad after all -- as long as they stay out of Shaker Heights!

Loving Stephon Marbury?
Sam becomes the Knicks guard's only fan.

Headline: Star sends message: Shoes not life, death

Date: September 12, 2006

Topic: Sam writes his second column about New York Knicks guard Stephon Marbury's new line of $20 basketball shoes. Far be it from us to cast aspersions, but is there something faintly homoerotic going on here, or is Sam just trying to get Stephon to okay his friend request on MySpace?

Originality: 1/10. Sam gets points for busting out the original column, but then falls back to his customary 1 rating after trying to milk it a second time. What? Were there no interesting press releases to rewrite this week?

Difficulty: 2/10. Sam works the mean streets of the Ashtabula Mall to show how inner-city Ashtabulans can now buy inexpensive sneakers.

Sam Gets Poetic: "Now here's a superstar deserving cheers." Since Marbury's selfish play makes him the one NBA star who actually makes his teams worse -- which means he can't get a better deal from Nike -- he's resorted to lending his name to $20 off-brand shoes. But there's gotta be nobility in here somewhere, don't you think?

The Master Has Spoken: "When I nodded in agreement, Marbury smiled with mega-watt brilliance." Translation: "Marbury likes me, he really likes me!"

What Sam Reveals About Sam: Judging from his fixation with kids "blinged out in sneakers and hoodies," we're pretty sure Sam is afraid of black people.

CliffsNotes Version: I've never been in a crowd of black people before. They seem to really idolize this guy, Stephon Marbury. While I know nothing of this "basket ball" that he apparently plays, I'm glad that he's selling sneakers for cheap, for it lessens the chance that one of these "blinged out" youths will shake me down for my penny loafers. I complimented Marbury on his efforts, and he smiled at me, showing that he is a man of taste and refinement. But alas, he wants LeBron to join him in playing for the New York Knickerbockers, and several of my colleagues in the sports department told me that our audience would pooh-pooh such a suggestion. Alas, Marbury is not nearly as "cool" as I once suspected.

They Suck More Than Me
Mr. Excitement finally finds someone duller than he is.

Debate proves unenlightening

Date: September 7, 2006

Topic: After Sam watches the Blackwell-Strickland debate, he comes to the bold conclusion that in the scripted world of modern politics, no one says anything interesting. Coming from Fulwood, that's like Idi Amin calling Pol Pot a butcher.

Originality: 0/10. Reporters have been complaining about dull quotes from politicians since Cain offered a "No comment" on whether he killed Abel.

Difficulty: 0/10. Fulwood tuned into the debate on TV hoping to get a column out of it, but concludes, "I wasted time watching it." Solution: Waste the readers' time with a column about what a waste of time it was.

Sam Gets Poetic: "All I witnessed were two drab candidates standing like department-store mannequins." And they weren't even hot mannequins that come to life, like in that movie that's always on basic cable.