Please, Not Mark Dottore!

And if that happens, the fireboat will be done as well. If there's an emergency, its crew will have to be pulled from stations around the city, meaning their response time will be measured in hours, not minutes. And since fires aren't especially courteous, they probably won't wait till firefighters show up to start burning.

Says one fireman: "If there's a fire and two of us happen to be in some battalion somewhere crawling through a warehouse, and they need us to leave that place and get to the boat — it's like a drill the Chinese fire department would put together. It's silly."

But the decision may have less to do with reason than politics. Last year, when the city tried to close Station 42 on Pearl Road, residents raised hell to keep it open — and the department above budget.

The more industrial West Bank is an easier target, especially since the neighborhood's councilman, Joe Santiago, has supported the idling.

But fire union chief Chester Ashton is confident Santiago will come around. "We're waiting to hear from him about it. I find it hard to believe that a councilman would advocate losing fire protection in his ward."

Ambulance Chasers
The Ohio Supreme Court has been trying desperately to rebuild the tattered reputation of the state's legal profession. But since the court is best known for selling its own decisions to the highest campaign contributors, you might say that reform is coming along slowly.

In 2006, the court revised rules on how personal injury lawyers solicit clients. Letters had to be stamped "advertising material" and were supposed to include some sort of victim's "bill of rights." (Unfortunately, the rules neglected to provide a true remedy, such as advising the entire profession to throw itself in front of a cement truck for the betterment of mankind.) But according to an Ohio State student from Lakewood, it appears lawyers are even blowing off these tame new rules. She recently had a car accident in Columbus. She wasn't injured, and her accident report, filed with Columbus police, reflected her good fortune. Yet within days, her mailbox was stuffed with letters from dozens of lawyers.

The gist of the communiqués: Not injured? Don't need a lawyer? I'm just the bottom-feeder to convince you otherwise!

Needless to say, most weren't marked as "advertising material." Lawyers love rules; they're just not in favor of adhering to them.

A Brunswick man was also bombarded after a recent accident. One lawyer even distinguished himself by stapling a $5 bill to his correspondence. "I can get you a lot more than this," the lawyer bragged.

The accident victim promptly chucked the letter, pocketed the five, and then took a long, hot shower to wash off any residue of evil.

Assault on Thugs
As Mayor Frank Jackson launches his crackdown on guns, he has a model to follow in Slavic Village.

Since Captain Joe Sadie, a 40-year veteran, took command of the 3rd District last April, his team of more than 160 officers has been running its own version of The Attack on the Thugs.

In a neighborhood that's become a national symbol of the foreclosure crisis, so riddled with abandoned houses and crime that elderly people were afraid to go outside, Sadie decided to play offense. He sent officers to areas where the crime stats are worst, so they can quickly respond when the next robbery or drug deal goes down. His cops also make traffic stops and do warrant sweeps, rounding up the bad guys before they can kill again.

Such tactics have been used for years in other cities. But it's a novel strategy in The City That Never Works.

According to The Plain Dealer, at least three men were killed thanks to these aggressive tactics. One was shot by police after a traffic stop. Another died after a man fleeing police crashed into his car. A third died when he drove into a telephone pole while trying to escape the cops.

Still, Sadie says the community is applauding his efforts. Residents shake his hand in stores — even when he's on undercover operations — urging him to keep up the good work. "From the people's opinion, things are better," Sadie says. "Their perception is that we've made a difference."

Ironically, his district is slated to close this spring as part of Jackson's consolidation plan. But Sadie's not complaining. "We're here now," he says. "We'll fight the fight as long as we can."

Calling Brad Pitt
It's safe to say that students at Bluffton University had a very bad 2007. Last March, a bus carrying their baseball team plunged off an overpass in Atlanta, killing seven and injuring 28. And if that wasn't bad enough, the bus company's insurers are refusing to pay up.

So the university's marketing director decided students could use some cheering up . . . by getting Brad Pitt to speak at their commencement.